Last time I wrote, I said to be continued… and here it is.

So I’m in a state that’s too far from home (with way too much corn), that I don’t want to be in, but it’s all okay because my employment ends in November and I can come home and start over because I’ll no longer have any obligation to be here, blah blah blah you get it. I was excited about this situation. Finally!—a choice I didn’t have to make because I didn’t have one. I had no outlet to stay, and thus, no reason to.

Think again, Tay Tay…

Lo and behold, I was offered a job here. A full-time job at a great company, with great people, in the industry I want to be in (sports). Not every aspect about it was perfect, but it was a job.

Now what do I do?

I had been dead set on coming home and resetting after this messy situation I’ve been dealing with since moving, and now I have to make another decision (the only decision I know I can make is what to get at Waffle House. Same order every time). Of course after I’d found some semblance of peace, everything was uprooted, because I am a Christian and that makes things tough sometimes a lot of the time. I knew this was a test of faith.

So, do I stay and take the job because it’s a good professional decision, even though it’s in a place associated with a lot of personal pain OR do I move back home where I’m comfortable and reset, hoping I’ll find professional success eventually? I wanted to take the job because I felt that’s obviously what any right-minded person would do, and even more, I was so scared I’d be judged for choosing not to take it because I had no guarantee of another job. On the other hand, in my gut, I just wanted to move home—to escape this place that made me so unhappy. On another hand (this decision required more hands than I have), if I decided to move home, these past 6 months of heartache would’ve been for nothing… I would consider myself a failure, unable to make it work, no matter how unhappy I was.

I was in a dead heat. Had not one single clue what to do, and it absolutely tore me up. I made myself sick over what to choose—barely ate for days (yeah, that big of a deal), didn’t sleep, agonized over what the right thing to do was—and still didn’t have decision. I was trying my darnedest to rationalize the situation and do what was best according to myself and the world. I’m sitting here worried about whether others will approve of my decision, trying my hardest to please myself with the right decision, etc.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” –Galatians 1:10

The second I realized this, I metaphorically slapped myself because I had literally just realized in the recent months I could do nothing without God. So I turned to Him. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed.

WELL GUESS WHAT? He didn’t tell me what I should do.

At first, I was so so frustrated, because I’m like, “alright JC, I gave the decision to you, and you still ain’t tell me what to do, so thanks for absolutely nothing.” To say I was upset and C O N F U S E D would be the understatement of the year. Then I figured it out…

He wasn’t telling me what to do because, in this situation, neither decision would be wrong. If I stuck with Him down either path, it would all be okay in the end. I could trust that if I accepted the immediate job opportunity, it would eventually lead me to happiness OR if I accepted immediate happiness (i.e. moved home), it would eventually lead me to a job opportunity.

I could make the decision without fear of approval or fear of failure. These past months haven’t been for nothing. They’ve brought me so much closer to Jesus, which is really a better deal than anything I’d hoped to get out of moving. In the end, I just had to make a decision, set my mind to it and believe God would help me through it.

This was in my devotion this week, and I needed it, so I wanted to share:

“Thank God for humility. And thank God that when we finally, finally, fall to our knees, screaming and ugly-crying before Him, He comes to lift us up.”

TRUE… and ugly-cry I did, but it’s cool because no one saw me do it AND because I finally made a decision—and with JC by my side, I’m gon’ be alright fam.

So what was my decision, you ask? (or maybe no one’s asking… idk how many of you read this).

CU guys in November. I’m coming home.

(Super long run-on sentences in this post, but I’ve gone rogue and that’s how my thoughts sound in my head, so I donut care.)





Do you ever end up at a certain place in life where you think, “if I could just rewind a few months, a few years, and make a different decision, be a different person, I could’ve prevented allllll of this.”?

I do. All the time. Especially now that I’m in the situation I talked about here. But how far would I have to go back? Could I go back far enough?

The answer is no. Why? Because there was never a specific moment when things began to go wrong. I am a sinner, and when I make my own choices, not backed by the good Lord, it’s all going to fall apart.

“This is the truth: The world seduces us with its material goods, its experiences, its flushes of beauty and its moments of lust. When we’re proud, we walk along that destructive path, trying to feign confidence. We fill our hands with the world’s pleasures, but like sand, it falls through our fingers. We dig and dig, but in the end, we’re left dirty and empty-handed. All the castles we build are eventually swept away.” (shereadstruth.com)

The idea of building my own life (not the one God has planned for me) lured me to make a decision I had always told myself I’d never make (i.e. why I’m living in Indiana). I thought I could make myself happy, and in the process, kind of forgot about God.

Big no no.

He then brought me to a point where I could no longer ignore the need for His presence. I was so low and so distraught, I had no choice but to humble myself before Him and beg for guidance, admitting I had nothing of my own and needed everything from Him. Talk about humility.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will exalt you.” –James 4:10

In the months following, this verse ^ proved very true. I stopped asking for what I wanted and surrendered my heart and happiness to Him, because my attempt had taken me over a cliff. I read more scripture and a small manifestation of light and joy took root within me. Some days it feels like it radiates like the sun, and others it feels like the tiny, subsisting glow AFTER you’ve blown a candle out… but it’s still there. I’ve never had joy like that before, and it’s kept me out of the dark recesses that could’ve easily consumed me.

So…. The plan for the next few months was to stick it out in my current situation (a temporary position through November), take things day-by-day, until I could find a job closer to home, where I could reset and start again.

Then came the test of faith. Apparently God likes to do this? Idk.

To be continued… because 1) I need to finish my donut, 2) this “test of faith” happened just last week, so I’m still digesting, and 3) who doesn’t love a good cliff hanger?


Cookie Butter

“I will turn their mourning into joy, give them consolation and bring happiness out of grief.” –Jeremiah 31:13

I never understood this. Until I experienced it myself.

Some of you know, most of you don’t… a few months ago, I moved quite far away from home and on not much more than a whim. I was scared, but excited about all of the opportunities a big move could bring. While the details are for another day, almost immediately after the move, my biggest fear came to fruition—my spirit was crushed and I became overwhelmed with loneliness.

For the first time, I was in a situation I truly believed I couldn’t overcome—I didn’t even know how I was going to get out of bed in the mornings (my mom can attest). I was in an unfamiliar place with no friends, no family, nothing. I begged God to help me through it. Just to give me something, anything to restore hope.

…and He did. I began reading His word a lot more—really trying to understand the purpose behind my situation and how to move forward. By some literal miracle of God (and several donuts), I began to feel better. I had been certain it was going to take months, maybe more, to wake up without an overwhelming feeling of dread, but that feeling subsided quicker than I’d dared to pray for. I made friends, I found places that made me happy and started looking forward to things in my new city. So, I’m thinking, well dadgum, if He can console me and begin to restore hope so quickly in one of my most difficult times, He must have something far better planned.

I ran with that. I put my situation into perspective. It was just another step toward my life’s purpose and His plan for me. As someone with such a tight grip on the controls, I’m not sure I had ever completely given the reins over. I didn’t want to fully relinquish control, because I thought if I did, I wouldn’t end up with what I had envisioned for my life. For some reason, I had forgotten His plan for our lives is far more wonderful than anything we can imagine:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11

He just wanted me to trust Him. It was a tough, but necessary lesson.

My situation brought me even closer to the one I needed the most—the one who had been there for me the entire time. He knew my heart’s desires, knew I would get through it and come out better for it on the other side. It’s not easy. I’m still working through it, but I’ve found a joy that lives deep down—that’s present in some small capacity, even on the hardest days. Root yourself in faith, and I promise you’ll find happiness and appreciation for the important things.

Peace n blessins. 🕊