Spice

Last time I wrote, I said to be continued… and here it is.

So I’m in a state that’s too far from home (with way too much corn), that I don’t want to be in, but it’s all okay because my employment ends in November and I can come home and start over because I’ll no longer have any obligation to be here, blah blah blah you get it. I was excited about this situation. Finally!—a choice I didn’t have to make because I didn’t have one. I had no outlet to stay, and thus, no reason to.

Think again, Tay Tay…

Lo and behold, I was offered a job here. A full-time job at a great company, with great people, in the industry I want to be in (sports). Not every aspect about it was perfect, but it was a job.

Now what do I do?

I had been dead set on coming home and resetting after this messy situation I’ve been dealing with since moving, and now I have to make another decision (the only decision I know I can make is what to get at Waffle House. Same order every time). Of course after I’d found some semblance of peace, everything was uprooted, because I am a Christian and that makes things tough sometimes a lot of the time. I knew this was a test of faith.

So, do I stay and take the job because it’s a good professional decision, even though it’s in a place associated with a lot of personal pain OR do I move back home where I’m comfortable and reset, hoping I’ll find professional success eventually? I wanted to take the job because I felt that’s obviously what any right-minded person would do, and even more, I was so scared I’d be judged for choosing not to take it because I had no guarantee of another job. On the other hand, in my gut, I just wanted to move home—to escape this place that made me so unhappy. On another hand (this decision required more hands than I have), if I decided to move home, these past 6 months of heartache would’ve been for nothing… I would consider myself a failure, unable to make it work, no matter how unhappy I was.

I was in a dead heat. Had not one single clue what to do, and it absolutely tore me up. I made myself sick over what to choose—barely ate for days (yeah, that big of a deal), didn’t sleep, agonized over what the right thing to do was—and still didn’t have decision. I was trying my darnedest to rationalize the situation and do what was best according to myself and the world. I’m sitting here worried about whether others will approve of my decision, trying my hardest to please myself with the right decision, etc.

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” –Galatians 1:10

The second I realized this, I metaphorically slapped myself because I had literally just realized in the recent months I could do nothing without God. So I turned to Him. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed.

WELL GUESS WHAT? He didn’t tell me what I should do.

At first, I was so so frustrated, because I’m like, “alright JC, I gave the decision to you, and you still ain’t tell me what to do, so thanks for absolutely nothing.” To say I was upset and C O N F U S E D would be the understatement of the year. Then I figured it out…

He wasn’t telling me what to do because, in this situation, neither decision would be wrong. If I stuck with Him down either path, it would all be okay in the end. I could trust that if I accepted the immediate job opportunity, it would eventually lead me to happiness OR if I accepted immediate happiness (i.e. moved home), it would eventually lead me to a job opportunity.

I could make the decision without fear of approval or fear of failure. These past months haven’t been for nothing. They’ve brought me so much closer to Jesus, which is really a better deal than anything I’d hoped to get out of moving. In the end, I just had to make a decision, set my mind to it and believe God would help me through it.

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This was in my devotion this week, and I needed it, so I wanted to share:

“Thank God for humility. And thank God that when we finally, finally, fall to our knees, screaming and ugly-crying before Him, He comes to lift us up.”

TRUE… and ugly-cry I did, but it’s cool because no one saw me do it AND because I finally made a decision—and with JC by my side, I’m gon’ be alright fam.

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So what was my decision, you ask? (or maybe no one’s asking… idk how many of you read this).

CU guys in November. I’m coming home.

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(Super long run-on sentences in this post, but I’ve gone rogue and that’s how my thoughts sound in my head, so I donut care.)

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